     |
Senior Citizen JokesEnjoy senior citizen jokes : Clean and fun.
New entries:Driver's licenses Two senior citizens were lamenting one day about getting old.The first one says, "My neck hurts so much I have a hard time turning my head left or right". The second one says, "My eyes are so bad with cataracts I can barely see four feet away". The first senior pipes in, "Yes, and my arthritis in my hands is so bad somedays I can't grip anything". The second senior replies, "My hearing is shot, couldn't hear a train coming if it was right in front of me". Then the first senior says, "But at least we still got our driver's license". Darwin's natural selection in practice One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. And here's how it went: "Well ya see Norm, it's like this....A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." Fertility problems solved A man sat at a local bar and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating." "What a coincidence," said the woman next to him. I'm celebrating, too" she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are your celebrating?" "I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "What a coincidence, the woman said. For my husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked. "I switched cocks," he replied. "What a coincidence," she said. Fast camera Japanese scientists have invented a camera with a shutter that operates so fast, it was recently able to take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut. ---- ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First -- Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start BRAGGING about it.
---- Peculiar signs Rome, Italy: The headline of this vignette is a sign outside a doctor's office in Rome, Italy: "A specialist in women and other diseases." All Over China: A few years ago, Coca-Cola reportedly introduced a multimillion-dollar advertising campaign in China. Its proud slogan trumpeted the message - "bite the wax tadpole!" Hotel in Tokyo, Japan: "It is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis." Hotel in Bucharest, Romania: "The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable." Yugoslav Hotel: "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid." Swiss Restaurant Menu: "Our wines live you nothing to hope for." Hong Kong Dentist's Ad: "Teeth extracted by the latest methodists." Belgrade, Yugoslavia, Hotel Elevator: "To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number for wising floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order." Rhodes, Greece, Tailor Shop: "Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation." Austrian Skiers' Hotel: "Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension." Bangkok, Thailand, Temple: "It if forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man." Norwegian Bar: "Ladies are requested not to have children at the bar." Copenhagen, Denmark, Airline Office: "We take your bags and send them in all directions." Acapulco, Mexico, Hotel: "The manager has personally passed all the water served here." Polish Hotel's Menu: "Salad a firm's own make; limpid red better soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country's own fashion." Zurich, Switzerland, Hotel: "Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for that purpose." German Park: "It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married to each other." Moscow, Russia, Hotel Room: "If this is your first visit to Russia, you are welcome to it." Macao Store: "Sorry! Midgets will always be available tomorrow." Car Rental Brochure in Tokyo, Japan: "When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor." Unknown Tailor's Store: "Drop your trousers here for best results. Ladies may have a fit upstairs." ---- Senior Citizen Driving
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Henry, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Henry, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" ---- Why Men Can't Win
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If she has a headache, she's tired. ---- Five reasons to believe computers are Female:
Five reasons to believe computers are male:
---- An elderly man in Adelaide calls his son in Sydney and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing... forty-five years of misery is enough." Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Brisbane and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and then hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife... Okay," he says, "They're coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares." ---- The beautiful part of writing is that you don't have to get it right the first time, unlike, say, a brain surgeon. --Robert Cormier ---- Turn-About is Fair: When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to my mother and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" My mother smiled and replied..."Oh, I remember." ----
Having children is like having Jesus in the house: They stay home until they are 30, and if you manage to make them do something useful, it's called a miracle. ----
Children and GrandchildrenWhy do kids and grandparents get so well along? They share a common enemy. ---- The first year, you try to teach your children to walk and talk. The next 19 years, you try to teach them to sit down and shut up. ---- Little Johnie hadn't spoken a word in all his six years of life. Finally, one morning at breakfast he cried out, 'Mum, the toast's burnt!' His amazed mother hugged him joyfully and asked, 'Johnny, why haven't you spoken before?' 'Well,' he replied 'everything's been all right up till now.'
---- LESSONS ON LIVING FROM CHILDREN Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower. Lamar, age 10 Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes. Carol, age 9 When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. Heather, age 16 Never tell your mom her diet's not working. Michael, age 14 Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. Joel, age 12 When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. Alyesha, age 13 Never spit when on a roller coaster. Scott, age 11 Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. Chelsey, age 7 Stay away from prunes. Randy, age 9 Forget the cake, go for the icing. Cynthia, age 8 Never try to baptize a cat. Laura, age 13 ---- WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
To those of us who have children in our lives, Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!" "Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said. "Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!" "No Way!" "Yes way!" "Do NOT eat the fruit! " said God. "Why?" "Because I am your Father and I said so! " God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? "
"Uh huh,"
"Then why did you?"
"I don't know,"
"She started it! " Adam said. "Did not! " "Did too! " "DID NOT! " Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself: If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you? THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day. AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
About menThe male Perspective We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note… these are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!
Pass this onto as many men as you can – to give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can – to give them an education! ---- A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!" ---- Chasing women has never been a problem to me. It's when I catch them that problems start. ----
What's the best way to describe a bachelor?
---- A man to his colleagues at lunch break: "Our TV set broke down last night, so I was talking with my wife instead. Interesting woman." ----
About womenAn angry wife screamed at her husband, "Before we married, I was going out with men much more intelligent than you!" "I can believe that" he retorted. "Obviously they were too clever to make the mistake I did." ---- An Icelander was granted one single wish from God: He asked "I want a road across the Atlantic so we Icelanders can drive back and forth to Europe." God told him: "That is too much too ask. Find something easier". So the man asked: "Please explain female intuition to me" God replied: "About that highway: Should it be 2 or 4 lanes?" ---- “I can’t find the cause of your illness,” said the doctor, “But, I think it may be due to drinking,” “In that case, replied the Blonde, “I shall come back when you are sober.” ---- A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Karl said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. Next little Emilie raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'." That was a fine story Emilie. Mick ,do you have a story to share?" "Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay away from Aunty Sharon when she's been on the booze." ---- Actual Newspaper Headlines
---- LOVE.... If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, It will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free.....
You either married it or gave birth to it. ---- TROOPER AND SENIOR CITIZEN: A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed he pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring."I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph! Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back." The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day." ---- ANDY ROONEY'S WISH FOR LIFE The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out because you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, Spend your last nine months floating and you finish off as an orgasm. ---- So much for senior citizen jokes right now. However, I am always looking for new ones. If you feel you have a good, clean joke, feel free to share it with your fellow readers: Enter details about yourself (Not really needed, though; your name will be placed as a signature below your joke, eventually "Anonymous"), then write down the joke, and click on the Submit button. That's all!
If you find this website useful, feel free to recommend it to a Friend Return from Senior Citizen Jokes to SilverCitizen home
All information contained on this website is for informational purposes only. *Disclaimer: www.silvercitizen.com does not warrant any company, product, service or any content contained herein. |